The truth is……. I am not always the positive force you see on social media. I am not always the bubbly girl my piers see. I am not always the strong and fearless wife. I’m not always the positive role model for my nieces and I’m not always the uplifting friend. I actually have more down days then good days. I battle with depression and anxiety. I am unmotivated to do the things I used to enjoy and I don’t feel attractive anymore. I’ve gained 60 lbs and am unable to fit in to my clothes. My hair is dry and brittle, and my complexion doesn’t glow as it used to. I am often overwhelmed and annoyed with the inconveniences of my weekly doctor visits along with the side effects from chemotherapy and hormone receptor treatments. I’m pissed off that this is my life now and that I have no choice in the matter. I hide my tears from my husband and friends because what’s the point of “talking” about something I can’t change? Sometimes, I wish I would just die already so I wouldn’t have to live with the overwhelming uncertainty and fear that comes along with my diagnosis. I often think that maybe it would all be easier if I were to just disappear. This is reality and these are the thoughts that often frequent my mind. This negativity may come as a shock because I “portray” myself as a positive person. The positive person that I once was and just want to be again, but these feelings are now a part of me too.
I write this blog not just for my own healing, but in hopes of bringing awareness of this growing disease. I cannot stress enough how important this information is! There are women dying every day. Roughly 40,920 women, in the US, are expected to die in 2018 from breast cancer. One in eight women will develop invasive breast cancer over the course of her lifetime. To put it into perspective… line up 8 female family members, 8 female friends, 8 coworkers, your sister, your mother, your grandmother, your best friends. One individual out of each group will be diagnosed with breast cancer…. It might even you! This isn’t shit I just make up… it’s the ugly truth… it’s a fact!
It’s not just about me and it’s not about “attention” or “pitty”. It’s my way of trying to save a life one story at a time. Encouraging words from friends, family, and strangers is always appreciated, but a “share” is worth so much more.