People always say “everything happens for a reason”. I do believe in karma and I do believe in energy, but I’m not sure “EVERYTHING” happens for a reason. What would be the reason for me to be diagnosed with breast cancer not just once, but now a second time? Was I a bad person before? Was I not humble enough? Did I miss the lesson I was supposed to learn the first time and so now I am here to learn it again? It puts my mind in a place where I think about the mistakes I’ve made. Mostly, self-love. I easily lose myself when life throws challenges at me and things get tough. I over indulge in alcohol, I emotionally eat, I “hide out” from friends and family and battle with motivation to stay on a positive path that I KNOW is better for me.

When I think back to my very first chemo treatment, I of course felt fear. I was really afraid that I would not be “ME “anymore. I sat down in a reclining chair, as the nurses began to inject my port with the first bag of temoxofin, when this beautiful bald woman comes walking through the clinic with this big smile on her face. Saying hello to all the nurses with this beautiful light all around her. It immediately made me feel at peace and I knew everything was going to be okay.

If karma had anything to do with my breast cancer coming back, and if there was a lesson I needed to learn again, it definitely would be to continue to have self-love. Respect my body, respect my mind and to respect the healing process. Even now, I feel ashamed of how I have let myself go with my weight. Negative thoughts flow through my mind on a daily basis. It happens to all of us and we may not even recognize how often they come through. This is a bad habit!

So when I lay in bed and my mind starts to wander down a dark path, I think about her. That beautiful bald woman with the beautiful light all around her and I know it will all be okay!

Why is it so scary to change even if you know it’s for the better? If you were given a second chance, do you think you would make the same mistake twice?

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